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We can laugh or cry. What makes us different from some is that our sence
of humor was not shot off in the war
Dr. Ron and several other visitors recommended:
LG sent
THE LADY MARINE PILOT:
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parants
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids
came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all of the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies
saved. But then the teacher realized that only shy, little Janie was left."Janie
to you have a story to share?", asked the teacher.
"Yes ma'am", Janie said. My Daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had
to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey,
a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so
the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the
middle of 20 Iraqi troops.She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she
ran out of bullets; killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke;
then killed the last Iraqi soldier with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher. "What did your
Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
Dr. Ron, provides us POST TURTLE
What a deal. LG says some express their appreciation in different ways:
Commander Dave suggests:
The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit
there for four hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch that
I had downloaded from from the internet onto the front of my shirt.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and
left. I guess they decided they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least
three hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you'r in need of quicker
emergency service.
It also works at the DMV. Saved me 5 hours. At the laundromat, three minutes
after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running. Don't
try it at McDonalds though.....The whole crew got up and left and I never
got my order...
Really bad choice of words
Discovery Announcement provided by Sergeant's Mom - The densest element
in the known Universe has been found!
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest
element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium.
Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and
224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.
These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The
symbol of Pelosium is PU.
Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact
with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons
within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe
that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium, an element
that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent nois,
since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.
It comes so fast and furious, we can hardly keep up with what the lefties
allow. Sgt John treats "change":
Old Sea story
There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's captain who inspected
his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boatswain that his men smelled
bad. The Captain suggested that perhaps it help if the sailors would change
thier underwear.
The Chief responded, " Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, The Captain
thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."
He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change
with Kwiatkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET WITH IT!!!"
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Someone comes along and promises "change",
but don't count on things smelling any better.
More From LG
LG sent us something to contemplate. Please, do not proceed if children,
of whatever age, are present. There is something to be learned - Rules
must be applied to all:
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother
asks if he has done his chores.
"not yet,", said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast
till the shores are done. Well, he's a little annoyed, so he goes to feed
the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He feeds the cows, and he kicks a
cow. He feeds the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk
in my cereal", he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you
don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get
any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week
you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for
breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Wait for it:
The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: "Are
you going to tell him, or should I?"
Barney shares with us employment information:
The women applying for a job in a florida lemon grove seemed to be far
too qualified for the job.
The Foreman frowned and said, I have to ask you this: "Have you had
any experience in picking lemons?"
She responded, "Well as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned two junkers, and voted for Obama." She was hired on the spot!
Sgt John provided this CDC Alert:
Very important information has just been made available that I think is
something you should all be aware of:
Gonorrhea Lectim
The Center for Disease Control has isssued a warning about a new virulent
strain of this old disease.
The desease is scalled Connorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Conna re-elect
"im."
The desease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving
purring your canium up your rectum.
Many victims contracted it in 2008..... but now most people after having
been infected for the past1-2 years are starting to realize how destructive
the sickness is. It's sad because it is so easily cured with a new procedure
just coming on the market called Votemout!
You take the first dose/step in 2010 and the second dosage in 2012. Then
simply don't engage in such behavior again. Otherwise, it could become
permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
Several states are already on top of this, Virninia, New Jersey and Massachusetts
with many more seeing the writing on the wall.
My favorite Professor, Dr. Ron, shared his experience with me:
Luxury cars are soon to be a thing of the past. They have always been just
beyond my means, but we took out a Cadillac Escalade for a test drive,
just to drive that sucker before they become extinct.
The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cold air to your butt in the summer heat.
I stated the car must be a Rebublican car.
He asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if
it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
Sgt John thought this historical perspective was of interest:
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago,
witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens
aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.
This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by
the US Air Force, other federal agencies and organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine
months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr. (March 31, 1948
Hillary Rodham (October 26, 1947
John F. Kerry (December 11, 1943
William J. Clinton (August 19, 1946
Howard Dean (November 17, 1948
Nancy Pelosi (March 26, 1940
Dianne Feinstein (June 22, 1933)
Charles E. Shumer (November 23, 1950)
Barbara Boxer (November 11, 1940)
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses? I certainly
hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did
for me! [Webmaster added birthdates. Still funny and AlGore is close.]
Barney provided the following for our amusement:
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, when a voice in the darkness said, "Jesus Christ knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze. When He heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus Christ is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around , frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that", the burglar hissed at the Watch Parrot. "Yep",
the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you
that he is watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh?"
"Who In the world are you?" "Moses", replied the bird.
"Moses?", the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would
name a bird Moses?" Replied the parrot,
"the kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus Christ."
Life and death:
An Elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly
to get him to the emergency room.
After what seemed like a very long time, the ER Doctor appeared, wearing
his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain- dead, but his heart is still
beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her
cheeks with shock!
"We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
Sgt John has asked us to support circulation of an E-mail forwarding list.
He provided the following:
As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that
appear in email, but this one is important. It has been circulating for months. Please keep it going.
To show your support for Obama's health care reform, please go to the end
of the list and add your name
1. Nancy Pelosi
2.
Senior Statesman Bill passed-on an observation from a relative
Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The farmer shouted: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die hkuhen haben dahen gesheissen.'
(Which means 'don't drink the water, the cows have s*** in it')
The man shouted back: I'm from New York and just down here campaigning
for Obama's health care plan, I can't understand you. Please speak English.'
The farmer replied: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'
Gunner Jane says this is funny only because some will think so. Pass to
a thousand of your friends!!!
Sgt John calls our attention to the subject of divorce. We can all support
an equal and equitable sharing of assets earned by each:
Dr. Ron provided us an excellent example of the unbiased reporting we have
come to expect.
A harley rider is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into
the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket
and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming
parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square
on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps
back, letting go of the girl. The biker brings her to her terrified parents,
who thank him endlessly..A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this
was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted accordingly. The
reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this stroy on the front page...So, what
do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"
The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican." The
following morning the biker buys the New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his deed, and reads, on the front page:
We have another Internet alert. Sgt John tells us that we may not be safe
eating tinned pork.
No problem - it is just spam!!!
To supplement the advise we got about Barackside, below, Gunner Jane found
another medication. She is sure our President uses it and she wants to
be sure we are all treated equally under the healthcare reform act.
When I was a little fellow, and I admit that was a long time ago, we could
either suck it up, rub dirt on it or use the most reliable disinfectant
of them all: Hydrogen Peroxide. Got a bottle in my medicine cabinet today.
Sgt John has found a new variation. Use it with care.
No matter what one might think of President Obama's policies, he gives
Sgt John lots of stuff
Virus Alert and The Dream
Sgt John received the following virus alert:
Nude Photo Alert: If you get an email titled "nude photos of Sarah
Palin," don't open it. It could contain a virus. if you get an email
titled "nude photos of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it. It could
contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.
He says that after receiving the email, he had a dream:
How to Identifiy a Republican
A woman in a hot air ballon realized that she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.She shouted to him, "Excuse
me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him and hour ago,
but I don't know where I am.
The consulted his portable GPS and replied, ""you're in a hot
air ballon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet
above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes North latitude and
100 degrees, 49.09 minutes West longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "you must be a Republican."
I am, replied the man. How did you know?"
"Well," answered the ballonist, "everything you told me
is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information,
and I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "you must be an Obama Democrat!"
"I am," replied the ballonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are and
don't know where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a
large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect me to solve your problem. You're exactly in the same position
you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's my fault." [Provided
by LG]
Mary Lou has, again, located information not covered by the news outlets.
There has been
a celebrity fatality because of the swine flue. She has a suspected source of the infection.
We have found the source of the infection
Sergeant John has acknowledged that his liberal friends were RIGHT AGAIN
They told me if I voted for John McCain, the nation's hope would deteriorate,
and sure enough there has been a 20 point drop in the Consumer Confidence
Index since the election, reaching a lower point than any time during the
Bush administration.
They told me if I voted for McCain, the US would become more deeply embroiled
in the Middle East, and sure enough tens of thousands of additional troops
are scheduled to be deployed into Afghanistan.
They told me if I voted for McCain, that the economy would get worse and
sure enough unemployment is approaching 8.8% and the new stimulus packages
implemented recently have sent the stock market lower than at anytime since
9-11.
They told me if I voted for McCain, we would see more "crooks"
in high ranking positions in Federal government and sure enough, several
recent cabinet nominees and other Senate controlled appointments revealed
resumes of bribery and tax fraud.
Well, I ignored my Democrat friends in November and I voted for McCain.
And they were right....all of their predictions have come true.
SMSgt Jerry sent this to me. He and I and our famlies served together in many times and places. Every one of these I recall from my Mom. If you have any others, I will be greatly pleased to receive them.
Twenty Five Reasons I Owe My Mom
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I' m going to knock you
into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case
you're in an accident.'
7.My mother taught me IRONY
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you 20 million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it!'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way..'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20.My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22.
'You're just like your father.'
23
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite:
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
Sgt John sent one that may be instructive:
Mary Lou sent one that depicts the feelings of we all as we approach April
15th:
Ranger Randy did some research and was able to find the answer to a question
that has plagued us all. We have the Greatest Generation; the Silent Generation;
Baby Boomers, Generation X and Generation Y. Why Generation Y? Now we have
the answer:
Born 1980-1995
Mary Lou has provided another:
NEW ORLEANS CRABS
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She
took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, memtioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded
to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin,
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise
your hand?"
No ones hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.
TWO LESSONS HERE
1. Men never learn
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some men think.
Now before you all jump on me for being one of those male pigs, this was
provided to me by a young lady who joins me in a very exclusive club. We
think she, I and its founder, her uncle, may be the only members. Mary
Lou and I do not fear, however, being a minority.
February 27, 2009
Sgt John has sent us more to consider. President Obama and President Lincoln
have more in common than we thought:
1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inaguration. Obama used
the same Bible.
2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.
3. Lincoln served in the Illinois legislature. Obama served in the Illinois
legislature.
4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama
had very little experience before becoming President.
5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inaugration.
Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inaugration.
6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
9. Lincoln was born in the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
10. Lincoln was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer..
January 30, 2009
This year it is planned that taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus
Payment. This is a very exciting new program that will be explained using
the Q and A format:
Q. What is the Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers and others.
Q. From where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition
TV set, an analog to digital converter box, or a new computer, thus stimulating
the economy.
Q. But, isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Provided by Sgt John
Provided by SMSgt Jerry, December 11, 2008
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine
Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists
told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded
and dragged naked through the streets.
Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.' The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.
Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in New York, so I'd like to hear the song
'The Moon and Me' one last time." The terrorist's leader nodded to
another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music.
He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson
was satisfied.
Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe,
someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.' The
leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated
his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?
'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.
'What?’ asked the leader, 'will you mock us in your last hour?’
'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass. The Marine
went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside
his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he
emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed the throat of
one with an AK-47, which he took, and sprayed the rest of the terrorists
killing another 11.
In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him, 'Why
didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick
you in the ass?'
'What?!' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor!!!'
Following Provided by SMSgt Jerry, December 5, 2008
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. I got a call center in
Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all exicited and asked me
if I could drive a truck.
Provided by Ranger Randy, Nov 30, 2008
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.The teacher said,"Let's
begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or
give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand
up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the
People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'
said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.
'She heard a loud whisper: '**** the Indians,''Who said that?' she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'Again,
Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? **** this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson
to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
'Oh ****, we're ******!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November
4th, 2008".
US NAVY RELEASES AL QAEDA TERRORISTS!!!
Can you believe it??!! The US Navy announced that it has released a senior
Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him for 27 days while being held aboard
a U.S. aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea. In a humanitarian gesture,
the terrorist was givin $50 in U.S currency and a white 1962 Falcon automobile
upon being released from custody. This photo shows the terrorist on his
way home after being released from custody.
Provided by Commander Dave
The Moonbat Hunter sent this report of a seasoned citizen who can still
think fast.
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up - nice picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he had not
visited it for some time. He took a five-gallon bucket with him to bring
back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presense and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, We're not coming out until you leave!
The old man frowned and said, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
I JUST CAME TO FEED THE ALLIGATORS!!!
Okyay Bagdat sent an excellent example of discrimination. We must all repudiate,
everyone else is repudiating something, this sort of blatant discrimination.
Some Day
Sgt John sent me another. Several years ago, he sent me a video that caused
him to fear my wife. We talked about a restraining order and other protection.
Now, once more, he provides one that cannot be ignored. He can rest easy.
She Who Must be Obeyed says, "Right On."
GENEOLOGY
A little girl asked her father, "how did the human race appear?"
The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they made children; and
so was all mankind made"
Two days later, the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said
they developed from monkeys?
The father answered, "Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about
my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers."
This is done on the humor page only because it was treated humoursly. Evolution
is called a "theory" because it is exactly that.
Sgt John sent this one. Hopefully, it will not increase your consumption
of adult beverages. I immediately went to my bar and
poured a drink just to protect myself against such touching.
1919 Poster for prohibition
Provided by Commander Dave. April 7, 2008
Ranger Randy found the perfect, bipartisan bumper sticker:
Sometimes when reading what sounds funny, one suddenly discovers a sad
turth. The following was provided by a proud mother whose son is serving
his country in Iraq:
1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
COWS: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government
can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall
where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And, they tracked her calves
to thier stalls. But, they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's
worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: The real reason we can't have the Ten Commandments in the courthouse...You
cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery" and "Thou Shalt Not Lie" in a building full of
lawyers, judges and politicians - it creates a hostile work environment.
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Sgt John has alerted us to a story that the major news sources missed.
Dateline: Aug 9, 2006
US Senator Unhurt in Air Crash
The Unassociated Press reported that New York Junior Senator, Hillary Clinton,
narrowly escaped injury when the aircraft she was piloting had to make
an emergency landing in Southern New Jersey because of bad weather.
NTSB Investigators have determined that the cause of the crach was pilot
error. Onboard fire was most likely avoided because of insufficient fuel
onboard. There were no injuries. The NTSB released the following photo
of the crash site.
News From the "Other" Border
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has
intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop
the illegal immigration.
The unflinching arrogance of the Bush Administration is prompting the exodus
among liberal citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray,
and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields
at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield,
whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and
hungry."He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.
When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show
him my screenplay."
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences,
but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare
Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said.
"The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much
they wouldn't give milk"
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them
across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of
these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border
patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water.
They did have a pleasant little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing
loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been
circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps
in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
Liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border.
Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus tripsto buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised
in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses
and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't
identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious
about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating
an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just
can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history
majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice
President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that
the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close
to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts.
And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president
is determined to reach out."
Provided by Commander Dave
Sgt John has alerted us of another possible scandle in Washington. He says
that all of the evidence is not in but it appeare that Secretary of State
Rice may have slept with Senator Ted Kennedy. He will provide details as
they become available. Now, all he has is the photograph that seems to
be probative.
The new Laurel and Hardy brought to you by DC Ken. The Senators from the
Republic of Mass-a-two-shits
Sgt John provided a story about a new Navy Reduction- in- Force Program.
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promosed any officer who volunteered for early retirement
a bonus of $1000.00 dollars for each inch measured in a straight line between
any two parts of his body. The officer got to choose what those two parts
would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked
out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured
from the tip of his up-streatched hands to his toes. He walked out with
96,000.
The third was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Master Chief. When
asked how he would like to be measured, he replied, "from the tip
of my penis to my testicles." The personnel officer suggested he might
want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two
officers had received. The old Master Chief insisted and the personnel
representative agreed, provided the measurement was taken by a medical
officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Master Chief to "drop
em," which he did. The medical officer began to measure from the tip
to the rear then exclaimed, "my God, where are your testicles?"
The old Master Chief calmly replied, "... Vietnam."
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Sex of The Fly
A woman walked into her kitchen and found her husband with a flyswater
stalking the kitchen.
"What are you doing?", she asked.
"killing flies," he responded.
"Any luck," she asked.
"Yes," he said. "I have killed three males and two females."
"How do you tell the sex of a fly?" inquired the wife.
He said, "three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."
September 23, 2004
A new contibutor reports that the Navy has instituted a new program. The
contributor has not yet been assigned a pen name. Since her husband is
a Naval Officer, the Chief is in negotiation with Senior Enlisted Navy
folks to designate her as Honorary Master Chief Petty Officer (MCPO). CORRECTION
- Commander Dave used his wife's computer and, consequently, her e-mail
address. The plan was in fact provided by his son-in-law, a real MCPO.
US NAVY REDUCTION PLAN
As a result of Senate proposed force reductions and budget cuts the Department
of the Navy has developed a program to reduce the number of active duty
personnel. This program is under test phase and will be effective 1 January
2005. Under this new program, older sailors will be asked to go on early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger sailors who represent
the future. Therefore, this program will phase out older sailors by the
end of the current fiscal year. This initial phase of the program will
be known as SLAP (Sailors Late-Aged Program).
Sailors who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the Navy. SLAPPED sailors can request a review of their personnel records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All sailors who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED, may file an appeal with their chain of command with final authority at the Major Command level. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, a sailor may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the Navy deems appropriate.
If a sailor follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment), unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any sailor who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the Navy.
The Navy wishes to assure the younger Sailors who remain on board, that
the Navy will continue its policy of training sailors through our Special
High Intensity Training (SHIT). The Navy takes pride in the amount of SHIT
our sailors receive. We have given our sailors more SHIT than any other
service. If any sailor feels they do not receive enough SHIT at their current
base, see your immediate supervisor.
OUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT
YOU CAN STAND.
September 23, 2004
Hear! Hear!
Councilman Quote
Old Sarge has suggested to the Commander that we pluck her from the water,
claim we were under enemy fire and ask Bill to forgive us.
Bill of Non-Rights
THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer
long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer
away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper
has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. MORAL OF THE
STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer
long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper
thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands
to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others
are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures
of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable
home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp
contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this
poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah
with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not
Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where
the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome."
Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's
sake. Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter
Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper,
and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his
"fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity
and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs
and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated
by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the
grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried
before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent
welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of
the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens
to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain
it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is
found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is
taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Don't vote for the Poodle.
Provided by Jimshouse
May 19, 2004
In keeping with what we have seen in the so called "main stream press",
this has particular application:
The Pope was visiting Washington, DC, and President Bush took him out for
an afternoon on the Potomac, sailing on the Presidential Yacht, the Sequoia.
They're enjoying the sights when, all of a sudden, the Popes hat (zucchetto)
blows off his head & out into the water.
Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but President Bush waves them
off, saying, "Wait I'll take care of this. Don't worry." Bush
then steps off the Yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to
the Holy Fathers little hat, bends over, picks it up, then walks back to
the Yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned
silence.
The next morning the Headlines in the New York Times, Indianapolis Star,Boston
Globe, Miami Herald, Buffalo News, San Francisco Chronicle, Los Angeles
Times, and all other Major Newspapers proclaim:
"President Bush Can't Swim"
Provided by jimshouse
May 18, 2004
You Gotta love the Marines:
Marines Answer to Gun Control
Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day
and you have to read his reply to the lady who Interviewed him concerning
guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you
gotta love this!!!!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of
National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and
US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop
visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery,
and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity
to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're
not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Provided by Sergeant John